? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Apparently you make a good broom.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
