I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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