if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
