elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Come see our sink grown plant.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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