dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
