i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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