so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
