This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Randomize
