Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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