is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
