Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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