Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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