Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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