I met the friendliest cop last night
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
