i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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