Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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