For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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