just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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