I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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