Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
