If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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