I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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