it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
