at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
