Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize