i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
