i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Alive.
So much puke
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
