So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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