fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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