Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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