he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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