I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
