I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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