i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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