My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
