Your dad touched me again.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize