Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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