After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
