I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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