I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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