Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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