My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
