Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize