made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Randomize
