Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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