My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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