Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
