I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
