Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
