Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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