i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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