You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
