dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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