Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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