I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Randomize
