I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
