I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
