Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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