it was like his penis was on wheels.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I need water and some morals
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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