Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
