Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize