ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
