Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
