I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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